


I Tried So Hard To Live Without You

by GabrieltheTrickster



Category: Rooster Teeth/Achievement Hunter RPF
Genre: Car Accident, Crying, Death, Drunk Driver, M/M, Mourning, My First Work in This Fandom, Pain, Suicide, Suicide Trigger, im so sorry, painful to read
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-09-24
Updated: 2014-11-14
Packaged: 2018-02-18 14:35:09
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 10
Words: 11,515
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2351861
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/GabrieltheTrickster/pseuds/GabrieltheTrickster
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Michael Jones and Gavin Free are as happy as they could be. They play video games together all day and then they get to go home together and just cuddle and kiss and be together. One day, that changes when a stranger makes one wrong move and shatters their world. Multi-chapter.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Everything was Perfect

**Author's Note:**

> First fic for the RT/AH fandom. Sorry if it sucks, I wrote this in the middle of the night. It's not that sad now, but I warn you it will become darker. I recently lost a friend to a drunk driver so I'm writing out a lot of emotions, don't read if you're triggered by anything in the tags. Un-beta'd, comments would be great.

_**Three Years Ago:** _

_Michael Jones had just broken another controller, this time after throwing it into the door to the Achievement Hunter office. Well, he aimed for the door, but instead the silver controller hit a young blonde square in the chest._

_"Oi, mate what was that about?" the blonde exclaimed in a loud British accent, coughing from having the wind knocked out of him. Michael walked over and put a hand on the Brit._

_"_ _Sorry, dude. I got pissed and didn't know anybody was coming in. Are you okay?" Michael scanned the face of the blonde for any signs that he was seriously hurt and- **holy shit** \- this guy was hot. _

_"Yeah, I'm fine, just going to be a bit bruised for a bit. I'm Gav. Gavin Free." Gav extended his hand towards Michael expectantly._

_"Michael Jones, pleased to meet you. Welcome to Achievement Hunter," Michael said. He shook Gavin's hand and sat back down, trying to hide the blush he could feel growing on his face as Gavin took the desk next to him._

 

_**Two Years Ago:** _

_It had been exactly a year since Michael and Gavin had met. A year later and the Achievement Hunters had grown from Geoff, Jack, Michael and Gavin to include Ray and Ryan. After spending one year working next to the British asshole, Michael had finally determined that he was going to ask Gavin out on an official date. After the others had left the office, Michael pulled Gavin aside._

_"Hey, so, um, I was, uh, wondering, um..." The British lad cut him off._

_"Yes, Micool, I'll go on a date with you," Gavin said, smiling his dorky smile._

_"What? But, how..?" Michael was actually speechless for once._

_"You've been muttering to yourself about it all day, you bloody donut. And no, I don't think you're weird, or broken. You're my boi." Gavin smiled and lightly kissed Michael's cheek before turning towards the door. "_

_You coming or not, boi? I can't go out with you if you don't leave the office."_

_Michael Jones never moved faster in his entire life._

 

**Present Day:**

Michael and Gavin had been dating for two years. The office had never been a better place to be. After they both feared the worst when they came out as not only gay but as a couple, they were pleasantly surprised when the others in the office congratulated them. The internet, of course, had already figured out that Michael and Gav were dating and most of the fans had taken it upon themselves to form a barrier between their beloved "Mavin" and the homophobic haters, immediately jumping to their defense if someone was rude.

Everything was looking great for the couple. After three months of dating, Gavin moved out of the Ramsey's house and into Michael's apartment. Three months after that, they moved into a bigger apartment, closer to the office. After 18 months of dating, Gavin took Michael out to their favorite spot in the park and proposed to him under the stars, and after three seconds, Michael said yes.

On their two-year anniversary, they went out to their favorite restaurant for a nice dinner. They chatted and kissed each other softly and they were happy. The two young lads walked out to Michael's car and climbed in. The two shared a chaste kiss before Michael started the car. They were driving home through downtown Austin when they heard brakes screeching.

Michael barely had enough time to pull Gavin towards him when the pick-up truck smashed into his car, sending them flying. The last thing Michael saw was the blur outside his window as the car rolled to a stop and Gavin reaching out to him. Then, everything went dark.


	2. Everything Is Falling Apart

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Hospitals are never fun places. They become even worse when they save you but not your soulmate.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> What happens after the car crash. Also, there will be death and graphic descriptions of blood and injuries. You have been warned. See end for more notes.

There was a lot of movement going on around the two gentlemen who were entangled in the mess of steel and shattered glass. Gavin could feel blood running down his leg and he suppressed a gag. He tried to look at his  Micool , but there was a large piece of steel bloc king his view. He felt the car moving as he heard muffled voices that he assumed were emergency crews. He blacked out again before he could find out.

Michael tried to move, he tried to get to Gavin, but something was restricting him. He tried to open his eyes, but found he couldn't due to the frame of the car pressing against his face. He coughed and winced with pain, feeling blood trickle down his stomach. He tried to move a hand towards his chest but both his  wrists appeared shattered. He heard metal crunching and he could only hope it was someone rescuing them. Then he passed out from shock.

Gavin was conscious almost as soon as he recovered from the anesthesia. His neck was in a brace.  He also had stitches on his forehead and he could feel a few more in his arm . Th e other Achievement Hunters and Griffon  jumped out of their seats, all of them trying to talk at once.

" Oi , one at a time, I can't hear you when you bloody talk all at once," Gavin said, his voice hoarse.  Geoff stepped closer to Gavin.

"You and Michael were hit by a drunk driver a few hours ago. Michael is still in surgery. You two were trapped in the wreck for almost two hours while they tried to unwrap the car from the pole you hit. You have a sprained neck, a concussion and two large cuts that they stitched up. The doctors said that if Michael hadn't pushed you under the dashboard you'd probably be dead," Geoff  explaind  while the others stood in silence.

"And Michael?" Gavin's voice was small and he could feel the tears trying to form.

"They don't know what's going to happen with Michael yet, Gav. Even though the truck hit your side of the car, it hit more to the back. When the car rolled...it slammed Michael into a telephone pole pretty hard. The doctors are doing everything  they can to save him," Griffon said, lightly stroking Gavin's hair.

Gavin was silent for a few moments. His brain was trying to process everything at once but it was giving him a migraine. So, he pulled the basics: Car accident, drunk driver, concussion, stitches, Michael is still alive. He sighed and rested his head back against the most uncomfortable pillow imaginable. No sooner had he finally made himself comfortable on the bed with Ray, Griffon and Geoff sitting/laying with him than the doctor arrived.

"Mr. Free, I'm Doctor Franco. I've come to see how you're recovering." Dr. Franco smiled and carefully began checking Gavin's injuries. The others moved out of the way and watched with guarding eyes, ready to step in if Gavin winced.

"Well, everything looks good to me, Mr. Free. We do want to keep you overnight to monitor you, but if everything still looks good you can probably return home tomorrow. Any questions?" Doctor Franco looked down at his clipboard to scribble in some notes when Gavin spoke.

"How's my fiancé, Michael Jones?" Gavin asked, worry and fear in his green eyes. Dr. Franco fell silent.

"I'm sorry, Mr. Free. We tried to save him, but we couldn't. A large piece of metal from the door punctured his heart. We did everything we possibly could to save him. We were too late, I'm sorry. Michael Jones is dead." Dr. Franco placed a hand on Gavin's knee. "I'll give you some time to process this. I'll be around later," he said as he left. 

The room was dead silent as the Achievement Hunters tried to register the fact that Michael, their best friend, was dead. After a few minutes, the silence was broken.

" Micool ..." Gavin whispered  into the empty air between them, voice laced with tears and the purest pain that a 26 year old man could produce. Gavin burst into tears, screaming about Michael and how he wasn't dead and that this was all just a nightmare. It took all five of the others to hold him down before he popped his stitches. 

Once they were convinced Gavin wasn't going to flail around anymore, they all s quished onto his bed and cried over Michael together.

After almost three hours of crying, the sun started peeking through the hospital blinds. The cluster of people on top of Gavin slowly began to disband, all of them starting to respond to the phone calls and texts from family members and co-workers. Gavin could only sit and listen as dozens of phone calls were made with the same message: Gavin is fine, Michael didn't make it.

The doctor came in shortly after 8 AM, to check on Gavin once more.

"Mr. Free, I know this is a hard time for you, but if it would help put things at ease, you may come with me to say goodbye to Mr. Jones before they take him to the funeral home," he said, sympathy filli ng his eyes. Gavin nodded.

"I want them to come too. They were his best friends, the deserve to say their farewells too," Gavin said, taking Ray's hand for support. The doctor smiled. 

"Of course. I'll have a nurse come and escort you there." Dr. Franco left the room, only to be replaced by  nurse minutes later. They all helped Gavin into the wheelchair and they began their trek to the morgue. When the reached the sterile room, the nurse let them all in to where a body, Michael's body, was lying under a sheet.

"Take all the time you need," she said, closing the door behind them.

Jack rolled Gavin up to the sheet and Gavin peeled it back, holding in a sob as he took in Michael's face. He had cuts everywhere, and it looked like some of his hair had been burned. Gavin pulled himself out of the wheelchair, using the steel table as support and he leaned over Michael, kissing him lightly on the forehead. His skin was cold but smooth and he still smelled faintly of cologne. Gavin sat back down.

"I'm ready to go now. I guess I have a lot of preparations to take care of," Gavin said. The group looked at each other before walking  towards the exit. As they left, the nurse handed Gavin a small bag. 

"These are the possessions we were able to recover from the wreckage. They belong to you now," she said, wheeling  them back towards the elevator. Gavin opened the bag and found only three  things: the ring he gave Michael when they got engaged, his Creeper necklace, and Michael's diamond necklace. He placed the ring on his finger and the necklaces around his neck as they climbed into the elevator.

A week later, Gavin was free of his stitches as he and Griffon finished packi ng up the things in his apartment. After being released from the hospital, Gavin moved back in with the Ramsey family and he sold his apartment. They had been slowly packing it up, choosing what Gavin would keep, what he would donate and what he would sell online. All Gavin kept was clothing: his and Michael's. He donated everythi ng else to charities that supported people who survived drunk driving accidents. As they drove home, Gavin couldn't help but think about the funeral scheduled for later that day.

"Hey, Griffon, do you think we could stop by the office really quick? I want to grab a few things before we go home," Gavin asked. Griffon, knowing how much pain Gavin was feeling smiled.

"Of course we can, Gav. Whatever you want." Griffon drove towards Stage 5 and pulled in, flashing her security pass to the guard before approaching the office. She parked and Gavin walked inside. Burnie and Barbara were the only ones working and he was met with hugs, condolences and promises that they'd attend the funeral. Gavin smiled and walked back to the Achievement Hunter office.

He took a deep breath as he opened the door. He hadn't been in the office since before the accident and nothing much had changed, except for the fact that Michael's old  dest  had been turned into a memorial shrine. Gavin tried to ignore that as he began picking things up: Michael's plush Minecraft character, his custom controller, his Banjo  plushie , his  Mogar  hat and his picture of the two of them kissing on New Year's Eve at the office. He smiled at the things in his hand and walked to the car, shouting his goodbyes to Burnie and Barb.

Griffon looked at Gavin and all the things he had and realized why Gavin had wanted to come here: he was gathering all the things he knows Michael cherished, all the things he would've wanted buried with him. Gavin climbed into the car and smiled as Griffon drove them home.

The funeral was a short one, but it was attended by many. Achievement Hunter fans from all over, some even flying internationally, joined in at his burial site, none of them saying a word. The five remaining Achievement Hunter employees each gave a speech at the open casket, talking about what a great person Michael was. When it was Gavin's turn, he carefully lifted everything he had taken from the office out of a bag and told a story with each one before lovingly placing it with his  Micool .

The last thing Gavin did before they put him to rest was to remove his Creeper necklace.

"Michael gave me this necklace the day we moved into our apartment together. I went out and bought him the diamond right after. Michael was, and always will be the diamond of my life. He was tough, and sometimes he was hard to get through to, but when you needed him he was right there. Today, I'm giving him my Creeper to remind him that I'm still going to be with him.  Micool , my  boi , this is for you. Now you can think of me every time a creeper comes and blows up in Heaven's version of Minecraft. I love you,  boi ," Gavin said, wiping away tears. He leaned into the casket, clasping the creeper head around Michael's neck before kissing him lightly on the lips. 

Gavin stepped back, tears streaming down his face as the casket was closed and then lowered. He took a handful of dirt and dropped it on the casket, watching as his friends did the same. He stood and waited as Michael's family did the same, and then waited as every single fan did the same, shaking his hand and apologizing one by one. When the last person had finished, Gavin turned and walked to the car, where Geoff, Griffon and Millie were waiting patiently. 

As they drove away, Gavin decided that he was going to keep a journal of everything  that happened to him so that when he joined Michael someday they could read it together and laugh like they always did. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The remaining chapters are going to be set up more like diary entries, but there will be multiple entries per chapter. I hope you liked it, even if it made you cry a lot.


	3. Life Goes On

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Gavin's first set of journals after Michael's funeral.

**_Day 5_ **

I haven't been able to bring myself to go back to work yet, Michael. I can't bring myself to walk in there and sit next to an empty desk yet. I haven't slept since the funeral, every time I close my eyes I see you there and I wake up hoping you're not actually dead. But you're always gone. If I do manage to fall asleep, I wake up from the nightmares of that day. I wake up at night screaming your name loud enough that I wake up the whole house. I can see the pain in Griffon's eyes when they come into my room, and Geoff looks like he wants to tell me everything is alright even though it's not.

I can tell that my issues are taking the biggest toll on Millie. Every night when I climb into bed around 1 in the morning, she creeps into my room and lies down with me. She never speaks, she never asks questions. She just crawls into the bed and presses her back against my chest, trying to fill the hole that once held you. Geoff asked me this morning if I brought her to my room and before I could answer Millie asked to talk to him in private. After about five minutes Geoff came back and hugged me before leaving to take Millie to school. I found out around lunch time that Millie told him she came into my room because she wanted me to feel like I wasn't alone. I cried for a good hour about that one.

I wish you could read everything the fans are writing about you. I've seen some of the stuff they've sent to the office, and what they've posted online. So many people miss you Micool. The fans...the tributes they've made for you are mind-blowing. They've started a memorial in front of the office, and everyone keeps moving it inside to keep it safe. Your old work space has become one large memorial. According to Geoff, Burnie want's to move all the memorial things into another room so that the AH office doesn't become overfilled. I think it'd be nice to have your memorial moved somewhere private. Then I could join you for lunch everyday again. I've got to go, I've got an appointment with a therapist tomorrow. I love you, Micool.

_**Day 6** _

I saw a therapist this morning, Michael. She told me how sorry she was that I had to suffer losing you. Then she asked me to talk about you. I think I gave her your entire biography. I told her how you used to get mad at me for the stupidest things and how you would always jokingly beat me up. I told her about Team Lads Action News Team and Rage Quit and how your eyes would light up whenever someone mentioned going out for bevs. I told her that you were the most perfect human being on earth. Then she asked me about myself and how I was coping. I told her and she asked me some weird questions. I just answered, and then she told me that I am suffering from a form of post-traumatic stress disorder.

I stopped listening after that, she wanted to put me on all these drugs and I just...I don't wan't to live life on medications, Micool. Thank God for Geoff and Griffon being with me. They noticed that I wasn't too keen on the whole medication thing, so Geoff suggested a PTSD therapy dog. I don't remember exactly what happened after that, but there was a lot of angry tones and I think Griffon threatened to throw the therapist out the window. Tomorrow, I meet with the trainers to find a therapy dog. After that, I think I'll go back to work. I love you my boi.

_**Day 16** _

I've been back at work for a week. Your desk has been cleared of everything except the monitors. It was all put in the back, arranged in a memorial. Burnie and Gus have eased up and are letting people who show up to personally pay their respects go see the memorial. I see a lot of the staff there, too, during breaks. Most of them just sit amongst the gifts in silence. It's become a sort of unspoken rule in the building that your memorial is a quiet area: no talking, no loud noises. Just quiet.

I got my new therapy dog right before coming back to work. Her name is, ironically, Griff and she's a golden retriever. She never leaves my side and everybody loves her. She reminds me of you, Michael. She sometimes just huffs and paces for no reason and she barks at things that she considers threatening. The office has gotten much quieter now. Without you, there's not as much yelling, and when someone does yell it usually is followed by me shaking from the memories of you yelling before the accident. That's followed by soothing words and Griff pressing her body against mine, licking me until I calm down again. It's been hard, but I can already feel myself adjusting to the lack of your rage. 

And that terrifies me. I don't want to forget you, not this soon. I'm hoping that I won't forget you, I'll just learn to cope better. Anyways, I better go. The guys and I are getting together here at Geoff's for pizza, games, and bevs and I need to clean up a bit. Oh, that's another thing. I've given up bevs altogether. I can't have a beer without picturing us that night, drinking happily. And then I feel the car smashing into us, and the cycle starts all over again. I hope that one day I'll be able to enjoy bevs again, but right now even the taste of beer makes me think of you. I love you Micool. I hope Heaven is nice.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The first 3 entires of Gavin's diaries. Hopefully it wasnt too depressing.


	4. It Gets Easier, I Guess

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Second set of Entires in Gav's Diary.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here's the second set of diary entries from Gavin. In case you wanted to know: diaries are a common from of therapy for people with PTSD because it helps them compartmentalize riggers and coping mechanisms.

_**Day 23** _

I went to visit you today, Michael. The grass has grown over where your body is. I picked up the few things that were there. A few people left you miniature swords. One person left a small statue of you. I left that at the site. It watches over you, protecting you the same way you once protected me. Things are getting better down here, slowly. I've started sleeping again, and I've gained back a bit of the weight I lost from refusing to eat.

I still refuse to get in a car. Geoff and I have to leave almost an hour earlier for work because of it. I think it bothers him, but he doesn't say anything. I've told him he can drive himself and I'll just walk. I have Griff to keep me company, but I think he likes keeping an eye on me. He goes out after work without me sometimes, but only after I've walked him to the bar and made sure that he'll call Griffon for a ride home. Griffon thanks me for that every time she picks him up. I think she understands me the most, she even offers to stay home with me on nights when Millie is with friends and Geoff wants to go out so that I'm not alone. I always say no and she always stays anyway, knowing Geoff will need a ride later.

I heard Millie praying to you the other day. I shouldn't have eavesdropped but her door was open and I was walking by. I don't know if you heard it, but she said this:

_Dear Michael,_

_I really hope this prayer reaches you in Heaven and that you aren't too busy playing Heaven's video games to hear me. I'm asking you to help me be strong like Mogar. I'm trying to help Gavin as much as I can, but he's really sad Michael. I hear him cry out for you at night when he's sleeping. Sometimes he wakes up screaming your name and Mommy and Daddy have to sit with him until he calms down. That's when I curl up with him, trying to make him feel better. I don't know if I'm helping him or not. Michael, please, I need you to help me fix Gavin. I miss the way he used to smile and laugh. I miss the way he would say things that didn't make sense. I just want you to help me get my Gavin back. I really hope you can hear me. I have to go now, but I'll talk to you again soon._

_Amen._

I cried after locking myself in my room. She's nine years old, Michael. She's so young but she feels like she has to try and fix me and that kills me. Since then, I've been trying to smile and laugh more but it's hard when the light in my soul is missing. Please, Michael, come back. I just...I just want to hear you or see you one more time. Please.

 

_**Day 27** _

I could swear I saw you today. I was eating lunch at your memorial, sitting on the floor facing the framed picture someone had put up and chatting to you softly as if you were sitting right there. I turned away for two seconds to say hi to Chris and when I turned back I could swear you were there, standing in front of me with that smirk on your face. I reached out to touch you but then there was nothing. I think I'm either losing my mind or you actually were there. 

We filmed our first Minecraft Let's Play since the accident. Your house still stands, surrounded by flowers and with a Diamond Tower of Pimps erected on your obsidian block. We spent a good five minutes in silence just staring at your house before we got on with it, it being a challenge to find a horse, tame it and then kill the others on horseback. Since it was previously built, there was still a starting point for you. I had to leave the room for a moment because it was a shared point with me, with a sign titled "Just Engaged <3". We eventually got through filming it, it's episode 128. This week's scheduled release is King Michael. We had a meeting today about whether or not we wanted to release it. But then we realized that there are still at least a dozen various Let's Play episodes that have you in them and that we might as well put them out in your memory. Geoff also said he's going to have Matt and Jeremy build a giant Minecraft version of you to watch over Achievement City.

I think that's all for today. I'm exhausted. Griff and Millie say hello. Love you boi.

 

_**Day 39** _

It's been over a month since I lost you. Life has become more normal, I guess. I'm sleeping better, there are less nightmares now. I think Griff is really helping me relax more. She's never more than three feet away from me. Millie seems to like her, when we're at home she plays with Griff in the yard, the two of them usually ending up filthy. I spend a lot of time with Millie now. She's becoming very social and Geoff and Griffon let her go out with friends often. But if they're going anywhere besides another person's house I go with them. They're all nine, so they need supervision. I have spent a lot of time at the mall, Michael. I think if we ever had children they'd have to be boys. I am not a fan of pink and glittery girl's stores. But Millie is having fun and her friends don't seem to mind me hanging around them. I think it makes their parents feel safer knowing that an adult is there.

There was a fire at the old office this morning. I guess the new tenants tried to use half the circuits in the building to power all of their tech and they shorted it. The sparks caught some of the insulation on fire and the building was up in flames in minutes. We all went down there and watched as that blue building burned. I think we were all thinking the same thing: glad that's not us. As we went to leave, I caught a glimpse of our old apartment. There was an elderly couple on the balcony watching. I closed my eyes and walked away, beginning my long walk back to the new office.

Everything in my life has fallen back into a standard rhythm again. The only thing that's missing is you. God I miss you. I'll never stop missing you. I love you Michael.


	5. Time Passes Quickly

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Time passes quickly when you immerse yourself in your work and in getting better.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Quick Timestamp references:
> 
> The accident happened in Early October, which puts Day 53 (the first entry of this chapter) somewhere in mid December. This chapter will probably cover from Mid December to probably mid March.
> 
> Also: TRIGGERS FOR CUTTING IN THIS CHAPTER.

_**Day 53** _

Dear Michael,

I'm sorry I haven't written in a while. I've been super busy lately. Now that it's getting closer to the holidays we're filming 5 or 6 videos per day so we can cover the holiday absence. Geoff invited me to go to Italy with him and his family this year, but I declined. I'd rather have a quiet holiday season than to be touring Italy. Your parents called me today, they asked me how I was holding up. I told them I was struggling, but that work was keeping me occupied. They invited me over for Christmas, but I told them I was going to England for holiday. I really just want to spend it here with you.

I've been spending less time with you and I'm sorry for that. I try to see you when I can, sometimes sitting with you long after the sun is gone and I can't feel my face. I like to think that you'd be telling me to get my bloody ass inside before I got frostbite. That's usually when I'll start walking home, or biking now that I've bought myself a bike. I like to think you're watching me on my way home, protecting me from all the evil that wants to hurt me. It's comforting. I have to go edit some more, I love you Michael.

 

_**Day 61** _

I hit a milestone today, Michael. I got in a car for the first time since the accident. It was freezing this morning and Geoff and Griffon had to really convince me to ride in the car. In the end, they convinced me by promising they wouldn't go over the speed limit. I was tense at first, but I slowly got used to it. And I think Geoff texted everyone in the office that I was in a car for the first time in two months because when we pulled up to Stage 5, everyone was standing outside cheering for me. I don't think I've ever felt more at home than I did this morning.

The therapist I'm seeing told me this afternoon that this is a huge step in my recovery. I'm overcoming my fears, which means that I'm starting to compartmentalize the memories. I'm happy for the first time since that night, Michael, and the only thing that could make me happier would be sharing this with you.

 

_**Day 63** _

Today was our last day of filming since Geoff leaves tomorrow morning for Italy. The entire building was quiet, almost everybody else has their work all caught up for the break. It was us, Lindsay, Kdin, Miles and Kerry. Miles and Kerry were working on RvB since they're entering their pre-season crunch. We were filming and Lindsay and Kdin were editing in the other room. Aside from us yelling, there was no sound today. It made me miss your voice.

I'm going to visit you on Christmas, Micool, and we can celebrate together.

 

_**Day 68** _

Merry Christmas, Michael. I haven't felt your absence this much since the day we buried you. I went to see you for a bit before I started to feel sick. I think I ate something bad, I have food poisoning. I'm so alone, Michael. The Ramsey's are in Italy and Ray went home to New York. Jack and Ryan are on their own vacations and I don't know what to do. I'm sitting on the bathroom floor so I can vomit in the toilet writing this and I keep looking over at that damned razor on the edge of the shower.

I don't want to go back to carving my emotions into my skin but it's becoming harder and harder to resist it. I'm trying to stay strong for you, I really am. I'm so sorry. I'm so so sorry.

I love you Mogar.

 

_**Day 76** _

Happy New Year Michael. I celebrated alone last night, just Griff, Arrow and I. I played video games all night. I barely noticed when the clock changed to midnight. This was the year we were going to go celebrate the new year in New York City. I hope you got to watch the ball in Times Square from heaven.

 

_**Day 83** _

Geoff, Griffon and Millie got home today. We talked for hours about our individual holidays. After Millie went to bed, I told Geoff and Griffon that I had been really depressed over holidays and they just hugged me while I cried out all the emotions I had been holding in for the past 2 weeks. After that, everything came out and I showed them the few thin marks I had made with that razor. I was so ashamed, I think I just hung my head waiting for the yelling. 

But Geoff and Griffon just held me. We sat on the couch for hours, Michael, in silence. Then I sort of shrugged them off and came to bed. I miss you more now that they're back. Everywhere I look, something reminds me of you. I thought I was getting better but now I feel like I'm falling and I can't stop.

 

_**Day 103** _

It's Valentine's Day. I told Geoff I wasn't going to work today. Seeing all the couples at work and trying to film today is not what I want to do. Instead, I bought you flowers and sat with you. If you were still here, I would have taken you out to a nice dinner. But you're not and I can feel the hole. Your grave had a few other bouquets of flowers at it when I got there, all of them from fans. They miss you too. I keep getting tweets from fans checking on me, and my inbox is overflowing with emails and the sorts from people checking on me.

I tell them I'm fine, but I'm not. I carved more lines when I got back from seeing you, these were just a fraction deeper than the ones from before, and they bled a little bit harder. I know I'm slipping but I'll stop as soon as all the sad holidays are over. Besides, spring is coming and I love spring. It's a time of new beginnings, of wiping the past clean. 

I'll never wipe you away, Michael, but maybe I can stop blaming myself for your death just a little bit less.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hope you guys enjoyed! Next chapter will be happier, I swear. After all, spring is Gav's favorite season.


	6. Spring's Awakening

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Spring arrives and Gavin tries his best

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Super sorry for the gap in updates, I've been feeling a bit sick so I've spent a lot of time sleeping and watchign AH videos. But I feel better now so I'm gonna update. This chapter will cover March to mid June. I'm sorry if my days aren't very accurate, Im going by rough estimates.
> 
> Warning: There will be some dark sections in this, with talk about cutting and suicide.
> 
> Also, I'm sorry if things in those sections are choppy, misspelled or sentences derail mid-word. Im writing this as someone with the mindset of someone who is grieving and wants to kill themselves and who suffers from PTSD. Sometimes you trail off and when you try to rite everything is jumbled. It's supposed to look like that.
> 
> Timestamp: Day 142 is Early April, 6 months after the accident, 1 year after they got engaged.

_**Day 128** _

Today is officially the first day of spring, Michael. Everything is coming back to life. Everything but you. Today we put out the final video that you're still in, your last episode of "Rage Quit". They wanted the last video to be our last Play Pals, but Geoff determined that would be unfair to the fans. It's the one you did revisiting the Impossible Game on your Xbox. He figures the fans would like the last video of you to be a sort of retro. I'm just glad I get to listen to you get mad at that stupid game all over again.

Everything is so green now. It reminds me of how you used to tell me that my eyes matched the color of new leaves. I thought spring would help....all I can think about as I write this in the park.....I think about that night....how we were out here....before everything went to shit....it'll be 1 year since I proposed to you in a few weeks. I miss you more than anything...I thought spring would make it better. I was wrong, Micoo. I was absolutely wrong. I miss you more than anything. I've been trying to stop turning to the blade....I try but I can't seem to. I'm sorry I'm doing this, but I can't stop and it hurts more not to.

 

_**Day 142** _

Happy engagement anniversary, Michael. I had my first bev in 6 months today, a glass of champagne at your grave. I poured some over your grave so we could drink together. I feel like I should be sad, but I'm not. I'm just numb.

 

_**Day 165** _

Today was supposed to be our wedding day. Today...today was supposed to be the day....when we promised each other forever. Instead...instead you're bloody dead and I'm...I'm sitting here in my damned tuxedo...holding our rings...staring at the altar where we...where we should be standing...I fucking hate this Michael. I can't escape you. I close my eyes and see your freckled face. I play video games and I hear your voice. Whenever I mess up or do something stupid I can hear you screaming at me. It's all so painful. Why you? Why the fuck couldn't that truck have crushed me?

I know I told you I'd stop blaming myself for your death, but I can't. If I hadn't been in that car, if I hadn't insisted that we go out to that stupid park...you'd be here and you'd be happy. We'd be happy. We'd be married. It's my fault...all my fault....

 

_**Day 166** _

I woke up on the bathroom floor. I asked Geoff what happened. Apparently I got home, grabbed a few bottles of whiskey and locked myself in my room. I found the bottles, all of them empty and one of them smashed in the tub. I noticed the blood, and the large crusty gashes I must've made last night in a drunken rage. Geoff saw them, but didn't ask. I know he's worried about my cutting habit, but I think he forgives me for last night. He cleaned the cuts up and wrapped them before we went to work. It was silent, nobody saying anything to me about yesterday. I know Geoff told them, if only to warn them that I'd be in a bad mood. I fucking hate myself for doing that last night but I was just...empty. I'm empty without you Michael.

 

_**Day 184** _

It's my 27th birthday and I spent it locked in my room watching videos of you. I skipped work and going out because I couldn't bear to celebrate without my boi. I also cut myself, deeper this time. I...i'm still bleeding....i want to join you....i miss you....michael....i think geoff's home....huh, Griff is barking...someone must be at the door....

 

**_Day 190_ **

I spent 6 days in the hospital because I was almost dead after that last entry. They dont get it...i just want you...I want to be with you. I just...I need you in my life again...please....please someone just let me be with you again....

 

_**Day 197** _

It's officially one month until RTX and the entire office is off. Planning panels and stuff is quieter without you. I havent cut since my birthday, but the scars are still everywhere. I stopped trying to hide them after i got out of the hospital. The others keep close eyes on me now, and they've all become in-tune to Griff's reactions to things I do. I know they're trying to help but they can't help...maybe RTX will keep my mind busy.

 

_**Day 212** _

Two weeks until RTX, four weeks since my last cut, 8 months without you. Everything I do now is autopilot, I'm numb to everything. The fans notice it in videos, but 98% of them don't make a big deal out of it. They know how I feel. I've gotten hundreds of letters from fans telling me their stories and giving me support. We really do have the best fans in the world, Michael. They send you stuff too, I add it all to the memorial. I hope you read all of the letters from heaven. I'm sorry in advance if I don't write you until after RTX. You know how crazy it is. Dan's coming tomorrow...he wants to visit your grave and talk to you. Please listen to him, he's still mad at himself for not being able to make your funeral.

I love you Michael, until the end of time.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the shit chapter. I just wanted to give y'all an update. Next covers the second half of June, RTX and July. After that, there'll be one chapter for August and the first half of September and then the next, maybe final, chapter will cover the second half of september up to the anniversary of Michael's death.


	7. Conventions, Scars and Empty Chairs

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dan visits Austin for RTX, RTX comes and goes, Gavin tries to keep living.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Trigger warnings in this chapter too, guys.

_**Day 219** _

I took Dan to see you today. We sat at your sides for hours under the sun chatting. After a while, he asked me if he could chat with you alone. I obliged and wandered aimlessly through the headstones until he texted me that he was ready to go. I don't know what he said to you, Michael, but he was still crying over you when I got back. 

RTX starts in 6 days. It's not going to be the same without my Mogar there. I'm not looking forward to missing you.

 

**_Day 230_ **

RTX is over. That may have been the longest weekend ever, Michael. Everybody had something to say about you at every panel, the fans miss you as much as we do. The fans even called for a moment of silence at the Achievement Hunter panel while a video that someone had made in your memory played. All of us were in tears over it, even the fans were crying. It took another 10 minutes for us to be able to speak, and when we did, we couldn't even form full sentences. I think the fans understood.

The worst part was probably sitting next to an empty chair that would have been filled by you. There was a picture of you placed on the table where you would've sat, and in front of it was your customized Mogar controller and your wooden diamond sword was propped against the table. It looked like a memorial for a soldier. I think I took a hundred photos of it.

This weekend was the hardest for me because I couldn't have fun knowing you weren't there. I'd go home, cut myself a few more times and then sleep off the pain. The scars are all blurred together now, the ones from my teen years and the ones from losing you. It all feels the same, though: a dull ache in my arms and in my stomach that reminds me that I'm here and you're not and it's my fault.

It'll always be my fault.

 

_**Day 245** _

Happy birthday Michael. I drank to you today and we left you some cake at your memorial. I hope the angels threw you a party.

 

**_Day 265_ **

It's been 9 months since you died. In 3 months, I will have to relive that pain all over again. I miss you Michael. It's nearly August and everything is still fresh and it still fucking hurts. I can't seem to stop carving things into me and now Geoff is keeping an eye on me at all times. He makes me show him every new cut, every new scar that I put on my body. I know that he wants to drag me to a hospital and to get me help, but he knows that locking me up isn't going to help me either.

I'm starting to wonder if I can even be saved.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry it's short, just a little bit to cover the summer months. Next chapter: August thru mid- September to bring us to around day 330, leaving us one month until the anniversary, which is most likely gonna be the final chapter, unless I figure out what to do. I also promise the next chapter will bring happiness into Gavin's world.
> 
> I'm not sure yet whether or not I want to add a supplementary chapter after the main story arc finishes about Dan's POV when he visits Michael's grave.
> 
> Leave your thoughts in the comments.


	8. You Were Gone When Autumn Came

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Gavin's trying his best, but things come crashing down again when he realizes that he's forgetting.

_ **Day 270**_

There's been an intervention. I was told that I spend too much time moping around so early this morning, probably around 5 AM Geoff, Griffon and Ray dragged me out of bed and put me in the car. Next thing I knew we were meeting Ryan and Jack at the airport, the two of them standing next to a large pile of suitcases and holding tickets. And that's why I'm writing this entry from 48,000 feet in the air on my way to England with everybody.

I'm actually excited to be going to England, I miss my family. I will say that I don't miss the 9 hour flight between Austin and London. But it's better with friends. Ray keeps getting mad at his DS, Jack and Geoff are sleeping, Griffon is drawing something, Ryan is reading some book and Millie is watching Tinker Bell. I just keep watching the clouds, thinking about you. I can see the ocean from up here, it looks so calm. We land in 3 hours, from there I guess we're all staying in a hotel. I don't really know...I'm excited to go home, maybe England will help me heal again.

  

_**Day** _ _**285**  _

Holy cow we've spent the last 2 weeks in England and I don't think I've been this happy in a while. I took everyone around London and showed them my house and Dan and I filmed some slow-mo guys videos and we haven't stopped doing anything until now. And the only reason we stopped doing things is because Jack got food poisoning. But he's feeling better. I never thought I'd be more excited to be in England during the rainy season.

We're here for a few more days before we catch our flight back to Austin. By the time we get back it'll almost be September. Time really does fly when you're having fun. I wish you were here to enjoy it Michael, I'm sure you would've loved it.

 

_**Day 292** _

I brought you back a small little statue of Big Ben from England and I placed it on your grave. It's the only thing there, most people have stopped bringing you things. It's also the end of August, so most people are getting ready for winter. I miss you Michael.

 

**_ Day 310 _ **

It's September 1st today, and I woke up crying. I woke up crying because I couldn't remember some of your videos. I also forgot what size shoes you used to wear. I'm forgetting you in little pieces and I'm scared. I don't want to lose you to time, Michael. I don't want to lose any more of you than I already have.

 

_**Day 321** _

September 11th. The day that changed the way the world works. The day America changed forever. The day I forgot what color your eyes were and I forgot what it felt like to be wrapped in your arms every night. They doctors say it's normal, that I'm moving on from you. I don't want to forget you Michael. I don't want you to become someone I can only remember in dreams and in pictures. I don't want to forget. 

 

_** Day 330**_

11 months ago today we were shopping for wedding cakes. Now I sit alone at a restaurant, constantly waiting for you. I'm trying so hard to keep what I can remember of you, but everyday you fade just a little bit more. The day I forget your voice is the day I lose everything that ever kept me sane.

 

**_ Day 340 _ **

You know that song you used to love, "Wake Me Up When September Ends"? Well, September is over now and I can't even bring myself to get out of bed. Because I cant remember what clothes you used to wear or what your favorite song to sing was and what you loved to eat for breakfast. All these details...they're slipping away from me...and I'm scared. I'm scared that I'll wake up and you won't exist anymore. Please don't ever stop existing. Please. I..I can't do this...I can't, I can't....

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading. Next chapter will be the last main arc chapter then I'm posting an epilogue.


	9. In The End

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The final plot-related chapter.

_**Day 343** _

I woke up this morning and didn't think of you for the first time since you died. Your face fades every day and I hate it; I hate myself for taking your life away from you. I apologize to you every day for being the reason why you're dead. Geoff tells me every day that it's not my fault but I can't force myself to believe him. I can't force myself to stop blaming myself.

I dragged you out that night. I'm the one who wanted to go out, who wanted to celebrate. You wanted to stay home that night, you wanted to cuddle and get drunk and play games. I killed you, Michael, and I'm so sorry. I'm so, so sorry.

 

_**Day 357** _

There was a visitor to the office today. He was some official looking bloke from London to see me. He took me out to the break room where we sat and drank tea before he told me why he had come form England to see me. Dan is dead. He was killed in action in Iraq by an IED. I guess Dan requested that his military dog tags be given to me if he died. I broke down sobbing right there in the middle of the office. He left after that with an "I'm sorry" and I was left to sit there and cry. I moved from the break room to your memorial after I regained some composure, and I spent the rest of the day there, sobbing next to your picture with Dan's tags around my neck. They look so out of place on my skinny body and they rest heavy on my chest.

 

_**Day 359** _

In less than a year, I lost my two closest friends. I'm having trouble coping with it. Between you and Dan, I don't know how much more grieving I can take. I'm halfway to drunk and the lines on my stomach are dripping blood and I've never felt so alone in my life. Rest in peace, Dan. The world is just a little bit less funny with you gone.

 

_**Day 361** _

I've been locked in my room for the last four days. I haven't been able to do anything except sleep. Geoff keeps trying to get me to eat but I can't force myself to. Burnie gave me the week off so I can grieve without forcing myself to be cheerful in videos. I dont...I don't know what I'm going to do when I go back to work. Part of me never wants to go back. Why should I bother trying to be happy when the two people I've ever truly loved are gone? 

Why do I even bother living anymore?

 

_**Day 365** _

Day Zero. The day everything changed. The day I lost Michael. One year of my life, spent on a rollercoaster of emotions. A year of fighting depression, recovering, and falling back down. A year where I lost two of my best friends. A year that I spent trying to hold on to him, to my reasons for living. And after a year, I've run out of reasons.

If you're reading this, I'm no longer alive. Death wasn't painless and it wasn't swift they everyone tells you suicide is. It was slow and painful, it took a full year for the razor blade to move from my wrists to my stomach and up to my jugular. By the time you read this sentence I'll have bled to death, my own tears mixed in with the red. 

I can't even begin to tell you how sorry I am for this. I just...I couldn't live without him anymore. I woke up this morning and I could barely remember what his face looked like. I couldn't face that for the rest of my life, not remembering the man I was going to marry. And I couldn't face losing my memories of Dan either. Even at the end of my life I'm still a bloody coward.

Geoff, Griffon, please don't think that you could've done anything different to save me. You did everything you possibly could to keep me going but I just lost the willpower to fight. I've always had an idea that I'd end up causing my own death, only I figured it would be because I'm so damn clumsy, or because I got did something stupid for a video. But not like this. Please tell Millie that I love her and that I'll always be watching over her, protecting her from harm. Make sure that the others in the office know what happened and that there is nothing they could have done to save me.

Tell my parents for me, Geoff. Tell them I'm sorry for giving up on them and that I dont want to buried back home in Thame. I want to buried here, right next to Michael. And mark my headstone with ' **Gavin David Free-Jones** '. That's all I want.

I'm sorry that I did this. I'm sorry for all the pain I've caused. I just... I'm sorry. I know you will never be able to forgive me for the things I've done and for the pain and grief I've caused you. I just have to tell you that I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

Thank you, Geoff. And Griffon, Millie, Jack, Ray, Ryan, Burnie, Gus, Barbara, Chris, Miles, and everyone else at Rooster Teeth for making my few years the best they could have possibly been. Thank you for giving me opportunities that I never would have gotten elsewhere. I'm just sorry for leaving you.

You know that quote "Victims have graves, survivors have scars"? Now I have both.

Goodbye.

Gavin D. Free-Jones

May 23, 1988- October 25th, 2016

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm so sorry for this. Don't hate me. *hides under the bed* Also, I suck at drawing so sorry for that too. The picture is on my secondary blog, I dont use that one, but you can view it here:  
> http://achievement-hunting-archangel.tumblr.com/image/102341170103
> 
>  
> 
> The tags read:
> 
> Gruchy, Daniel  
> Lance Corporal, First Class  
> Oxfordshire
> 
>  
> 
> Status: KIA  
> Laid To Rest: British Royal Armed Forces Burial Ground
> 
> I have no idea what's really written on British dog tags or anything, I made up everything but his name, rank and region.


	10. Epilogue: Tears In Heaven

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> What happens after death? Gavin Free is about to find out.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is it, guys. The end of this story. Thank you so much for sticking with me and this story, I know it was rough at times but I really appreciate you guys sticking through it and supporting me.
> 
> Without further ado, I present the Epilogue.

Death was both painless and painful for Gavin Free. Painless in that he felt very little pain after slicing into his jugular, painful in that he was forced to try and explain himself in a few pages of a journal left behind for someone else to find along with his mangled body. His final memory is saying goodbye.

When he opened his eyes once again, he was surrounded by light. He began to panic, worried that it didn't work and that Geoff or Griffon or -God forbid- Millie found him as he was still struggling to breathe and saved him. But when he reached up to touch his neck, he found no bandages, no large gaping wounds. He looked at his wrists and lifted his shirt to expose his stomach. He ran his fingers over the skin. All of his scars, all of his years of self-mutilation were gone. His lightly tanned skin was smooth, and he felt light and full of life. He sat up from his lying position and came face- to- face with none other than Michael Vincent Jones. And he was crying.

"Mi...Micool? Boi?" Gavin asked the man in front of him, voice soft and half-terrified. Part of him wanted to hug his lover, wanted to kiss him and hold him and tell him how sorry he was. But part of him was wary of the man, still debating whether or not he was just hallucinating. At his voice, Michael looked directly into his eyes, his soft brown ones meeting Gavin's sharp green ones for the first time in over a year.

"Damn it, Gavin. Why the fuck would you do that, Gav? You shouldn't...you shouldn't have done that," Michael said, voice cracking with tears. He didn't look angry, just disappointed but also slightly relieved.

"I....I'm sorry Michael. I couldn't live anymore. After Dan died, I just...I lost everything I had. I hated going to work, I hated being at home, I hated everything. I had nothing left to push me. I just couldn't do it anymore." Now Gavin was crying, his knees pulled up to his chest and his head lowered in shame. A hand fell on his shoulder and he flinched lightly before looking up at Michael.

"I...I'm not...I'm not mad at you Gav. I'm mad because we weren't supposed to die this way. We were supposed to get married and grow old together in some house with a stupid picket fence. We were supposed to have a bunch of dogs and five billion gamerscore each. We were supposed to die together at 103, wrapped in each others' arms while we slept, not in a fucking car accident and a suicide. I'm just mad we didn't get our lives together," Michael ranted, keeping his hand on Gavin's shoulder. Gavin pulled his best friend into him, pressing his body to his chest. 

"I've missed you, Michael. I don't know if you heard any of my prayers, but everything was just...pain. I needed you. I just wanted you back." Gavin was steadily crying now, Michael's hair absorbing the tears as the fell from his chin. The tears were a mixture of happiness from being with Michael and sadness.

"I listened, Gavin. I listened every day and every night. Before...before I crossed over, which I'll help you with, I spent every single night with you. I would lie next to you in bed and I'd tell you that I was sorry for leaving you. I knew you couldn't hear me or see me, but I was there. I held your hand at my funeral until the last moment I could, and even after crossing I never left you. I heard every single one of your prayers, and Millie's and Dan's. I couldn't...I couldn't stop making sure you were okay, and it was killing me to watch you suffer. I wanted to help you, Christ did I want to go down there and tell you I was okay and that you could move on because I was never going to leave you. I never stopped listening," Michael rambled, keeping himself close to Gavin.

"Michael, when you talk about 'crossing over', do you mean that I'm not really dead?" Gavin's panic started to set in again that he was just dreaming.

"No, I can promise you that you're absolutely dead. I watched your soul leave your body. But until there is closure on Earth, you exist here. Everyone calls it Midway, but it's just like a giant waiting room. When your soul leaves your body it comes here until your tangible body is put to rest, either by burial or cremation. After that, you just disappear from here and end up in Heaven. Once you cross over to Heaven, you can't return to Earth unless you're with a soul here in Midway. You can come back here whenever you want, most people do it when loved ones pass so they can help them transition. But in Heaven you can watch everything happening with the living, which is how I kept an eye on you for the last year," Michael explained, running his hand through Gavin's soft hair. Another man came over, this one extremely pale and skeletal, looking at the two. He made some sort of gesture which was lost to Gavin but Michael seemed to understand. He gestured back and the other man left, never speaking.

"That was one of the Eternities. For most souls, they're here a few days and then they vanish, but for those who never found closure they wander around here, coaching new souls on what's going on. Unless they ever get put to rest, they'll be here forever. They're called the Eternities; destined to help other souls cross over but never able to cross themselves. It's a terrifying future to have, never being able to leave here." Michael shuddered a bit at the thought of being trapped here as a spirit for the rest of time. "Most of them are trapped with those they love, so it's not all bad," he speculated out loud. Gavin smiled and stood, lifting Michael with him. He pulled the short red-headed man into a heated kiss, the last year without contact forgotten against the warm lips of Michael. They stayed like that for what felt like forever until Gavin pulled away, inhaling deeply.

"That's one of the benefits of being dead and crossing over. You don't need to breathe. Well, you do, but you only need to breathe like once every 10 minutes in Heaven. Here, you still need to breathe about once every two minutes. Which means we can make out for all eternity," Michael said before taking control of Gavin's mouth with his own. They separated when Gavin required more air.

"Hey Michael, you said before that you heard what Dan said to you when he visited your grave. He looked really upset when we left, and he wouldn't tell me what he said. Can you tell me?" Gavin was quiet now, and Michael could see that this had been bothering Gavin for the last few months.

"He told me he was sorry. He said he was sorry for not being able to attend my funeral and for not being able to protect you. He told me that he was trying to help you but that he was struggling because he couldn't be with you all the time. His biggest apology was that he couldn't keep his promise to me," Michael looked into Gavin's eyes and saw a flicker of confusion. "When we first started getting serious, Dan promised me that he would never let you go back to cutting. He told me that you would do anything to hide it from me and that you'd talk to him about it before coming to me because you'd think I hated you. He promised me that if he ever found out you were cutting and hiding it from me that he would get you to stop and talk to me about it. He told me about how he'd help you growing up and he swore that he'd never let you get that bad again. He...he couldn't stop crying and apologizing to me about how he couldn't stop you and how much it was hurting him to not be able to get through to you." Michael lowered his gaze, giving Gavin time to process everything.

"I...I had no idea. Do you...do you think he's still floating around here? I need to see him, I need to tell him it wasn't his fault, that I don't hate him," Gavin said, fighting back another wave of tears. Even though he was dead he couldn't stop feeling like he kept causing pain.

"He crossed while you were still alive. Just before you died, he was here with me, waiting for you, but his body was laid to rest before you passed. He's in Heaven, no doubt waiting for us to get over there. I'm sorry, Gav, you'll have to wait a few days," Michael said, holding his boi tightly. Gavin sighed and pressed his face to Michael's hair, inhaling deeply. The smell of Michael was so naturally calming to Gavin that he managed to calm down.

"So...how long do I wait?" Gavin asked, looking around the large space.

"It really depends on long it takes to arrange everything for your burial. I mean, time here is different so it's already been 3 days in real-time. If I had to guess I don't think you're going to be waiting much longer. You can go back down if you want to, just focus on someone and you'll teleport to them and then when you're done just think about here," Michael said, squeezing Gavin's hand that had become entwined in his.

"I think I'd rather be here with you," Gavin said, smiling sadly. He wanted to check on Geoff and Griffon and everybody else, but he couldn't bear to do it until he was in Heaven so that he could watch from afar without the power to interfere. Michael smiled.

"Then let's just wander around for a bit until it's time to go," Michael said, pulling Gavin with him. "I want you to imagine our spot in the park, I want you to imagine us sitting there, holding each other like we always did when we were there. Just...focus," Michael said.

Gavin did as he was told, screwing his eyes shut to help him focus. He felt a warmth and when he opened his eyes, he and Michael were standing in their spot in the park. Well, they looked like they were standing, when in reality they were barely hovering above the ground.

"How did I do that?" Gavin asked, eyes wide with wonder.

"The same way I would stick around with you. You focused on something and you teleported there. The only thing is that you can't let go of my hand or I'll be sucked back to Midway, but I don't think that's going to be a problem," Michael said, kissing Gavin's cheek. Gavin smiled and the two sat down in the grass. People passed by them, never noticing the two. There they sat until the sun set, the moonlight reflecting off the small pond nearby. They chatted through the night, stars turning into streaks of golden orange as the sun rose above the Texas horizon. Gavin stood, stretching with Michael. They started walking, enjoying the invisibility that death granted them. 

They wandered Austin aimlessly, still talking about anything they could find from asshole parking jobs to a dog that had been chained outside of a bakery while his owner grabbed breakfast. They wandered until the sun was bearing down on them at noon. As Gavin was about to suggest they go back to the park, there was another warm tingling in his body and the next thing he knew he was face to face with Geoff. He looked around and realized he was watching his burial. He felt Michael pull him closer, arms wrapping around his waist as they stood, frozen in place as they listened.

Jack, Ray, Ryan, Geoff and Griffon all gave speeches, all of them practically in tears. Ray was the worst, having to cut off in the middle because he was crying too hard. After that, to his surprise, Millie stood at his grave, black dress sweeping into the grass below her feet. Everybody standing around fell silent when the 10 year old opened her mouth.

"Most people think that I'm too young to know what happened to Gavin. Most people think that my parents shouldn't have explained to me that my closest friend, my big brother, committed suicide because he felt like life was too hard for him. Most people think that I don't deserve to know what's happening in the world around me because I am a child. Most people would be wrong. I was born into a family that was already seen as weird: an Army dad with tattoos everywhere who made internet videos, an equally- tattooed mom who works with chainsaws everyday and their somewhat-adopted British son. I grew up with a different standard of normal and my parents chose to never hide anything from me unless they genuinely thought I couldn't handle it," she spoke, words flowing from her with a natural ease as though she had rehearsed this hundreds of times.

"When Gavin and Michael started dating I was 7. My parents sat me down and explained to me what being gay was. I didn't care, I just wanted to go play football. When Michael died, they explained to me that Gavin was going to be moving back in and that he wasn't going to be the same Gavin that I had grown up with. They explained depression and post-traumatic stress and that I needed to give Gav his space so he could heal. They were right, and that's what I did. When Dan died, they explained to me once more that Gavin was going to need space, and I listened. I wish I hadn't." Millie took a shaking breath and you could tell what was coming next.

"I got home from school four days ago to hear Griff barking, which wasn't normal. I walked in and followed her barking to Gavin's room. I found him, lying on the floor. He wasn't breathing and I knew what had happened. I called my parents, and that night we had a discussion about what Gavin had written in his letter and about how if I needed to talk to them I could. Most people wouldn't trust a child alone after that, but I've already told you I'm not from a cookie-cutter family. My parents trust me to talk to them, and I know that they'll always be there to listen. I'll never be able to forgive myself for not spending more time with Gav while he was suffering, but I know that he's with Michael in Heaven and that he's happy. Most people think I shouldn't be here, but he was and will forever be my brother. I love you, Gavvy, no matter what," Millie finished talking and wiped a few tears from her eyes before reaching down and dropping the first handful of dirt onto his casket.

The other followed suit until nobody was left standing there but Michael and Gavin, both of them sobbing into the other. 

"I...I can't believe I....I'm such a bad person, Micool," Gavin sobbed, clutching Michael as if he was the only thing that was keeping him from losing all control.

"It's...it's ok...you..you got closure....it's over, Gav," Michael said, wiping Gavin's face with the sleeve of the hoodie he had been wearing. Almost on cue, the tingling feeling returned and they were sucked back to Midway. Only when they got there, there was a soft yellow light. Gavin felt drawn to it and looked at Michael. "Go. It's your little portal to Heaven. It'll be ok, I'll meet you on the other side," he said, nudging Gavin towards it before vanishing. Gavin walked under the light, feeling weightless as he did. Next thing he knows, he's in Michael's arms in what looks like their old bedroom.

"Welcome to Heaven, Gavin Free-Jones. Welcome to eternity," Michael said, pressing his forehead to Gavin's. Gavin had so many questions, but he had an eternity to ask them all. For now, it was him and his Micool. Together and happy at last.

**_FINE_ **

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you again for reading! Look out for hopefully more Mavin from me in the future, possibly some more angst and even some smutty goodness ;)
> 
> Please leave comments.


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